Friday with others

And I'm starting to get a little bit paranoid about this new interest I have in churches. Forget the aesthetic interest because, well, that's my degree and is always there and is a pleasant part of life. I'm worried that I'm searching for something in religion, and that's why I'm rationalising it, twisting it all into an academic curiosity, to stop myself worrying about my true intentions. I have no doubt that there is an intellectual side to this thing, but I can't help worrying [and yes, it's worrying!] that because of everything: because of the insecurity and inferiority borne of the same reason I ended my relationship in January, because of the fear and instability I feel after what we all did, because of basically all my copious weaknesses and new, improved trust issues, I'll turn round a few months down the line, after a couple of church visits become a couple more and a couple more, after discussions with my religious friends become shared views, I'll turn round and believe in God. And I am an *expert* at explaining away why everyone else gets curious and ends up in church, and know *exactly* what I'd say to myself if I was my friend. Lucy is looking for someone who will love her unconditionally, Lucy is looking for certainty and everlastingness. Lucy is looking for community, for understanding, for someone who knows how she feels. Lucy is looking for honesty. Lucy is looking for how to live her life, and how to fix her heart. But it's always nigh on impossible to listen to yourself.

There are two ways to look at this. This is God's voice talking to me and telling me what I need, or it's my own voice talking to me and telling me what I need. You decide. The first idea is, IMHO, a cop-out, because undoubtedly it will offer me all of the things I need in abundance (ha, if I am mentally and neurologically capable of making the leap :P) but without me actually having to address any of the causes (and the causes are on the most part unknown). The second idea is a very practised route, and has often had me turning tighter and tighter and ever more painful circles. But, it's pretty much the truth.

So, in a garbled conclusion to match a garbled post, I feel extremely open and exposed right now. Very very happy - contrary to the tone of this post! - but sort of edgy. Basically, I can see myself going one of the two ways after years of ignosticism and on-off pagan philosophy. I can go the same way the bit of me that wants to be an astronomer is going, or go along with the part of me that wants to be a nun. (Oh and I'm fully aware I'm probably thinking too hard, but this thinking thing is going well right now: today my German teacher said she'd vote for me if I was a politician :P) So basically, it's whoever convinces me first *laughs*.

It's still not a religious crisis, either. It's a fear that it may become just that :P


SO. Now that's over, more from real life as opposed to the life of my head. GORGEOUS weather from the sunniest campus in the UK, very little work but it will get done (always does). I've also had one of the most fun-packed and good-feeling weeks of my university life so far, so thanks guys :) - you know who you all are. Travel agent, beach and pub night tomorrow! Happy, sunny days!

Love, Lucy
xxx